I still remember the way you looked at me the last time I saw you. Something told me you wouldn’t be there anymore. Everywhere I go, is another place without you in it. What if there was nothing really important to us?
Do you remember when we were lost, you asked me why we walked so far that going back and it was not home anymore, but a mistake, walked down the wrong path. You would ask: “Do you remember now?”
I remember now. I was that wild child before knowing you. I chose to love nothing because nobody loved me. I ignored the path to good places because I didn’t think they even exist. I was with him through the younger years of my life; I thought I found something and only to lose my destination then. I expected nobody to understand but perhaps I had too much that I had to let they go.
I dreamed, seeing him standing alone next to that lake, looking to my horizon but he was no longer holding my hand. I was not sad, for all the best had come and gone, I didn’t know my heart could feel that heavy for years.
I remember now. I walked alone on many roads of this city. They grew tired of me. I shut out the world for so long. I didn’t want to wake up. I often looked to the end of the sky, waiting from something I didn’t know. I was made to be tough, I was made to be not easy, but not comprehend what was awaiting, knowing what I would do.
I dreamed of myself floating above the highlands, or lost in a killing field trying to escape my enemies, sometimes they wore the faces of people I know. I dreamed of myself holding his hand again and we walked through cities we would never go to, roads never walked.
I remember now. Ordinary moments shifted in a split second, and life itself seemed to arrange its pieces to welcome you they day we met. Boring places and faceless people, drizzling rain and that odd feeling waiting became flutter in my chest. I imagined you were exactly as I imagined and that was one of those billion times I did so, it came true, perfectly each line of each word you have said. You walked that wild way that I’d had. You eased the heart that thought it was happy, out of its troubles.
I drowned in thoughts about you and nobody could have known how easy those wishes could be fulfilled. Nobody knew we were that close. The distance we kept masked the same thoughts we both had.
It didn’t matter when I fell for you and seemed like you even knew before I did. You never talked about it and I understand you did the right thing just now. You let me in that your world. You sheltered me from myself because you knew but I was able to go much further than anyone could imagine. You asked me about the places I once went by myself so you could erase my lonely shadow. I believed I could be complete.
But I became a self-destructible vessel. What is life if one more step is all that matters, to see your face again in those summer days? I get lost in dreams which are the only places I can hold your hand. I woke up in tears. I listen to the songs you hummed, like nothing ever changed. Reality is a joke, and I finally stopped time.
I once had this dream you were still in your hometown, but we never met and I was then a very different person.
Could I have saved you with all that I had? Or did I break you with all that I didn’t?